


Love and Saying It

by arsenicandsunshine



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-30
Updated: 2018-12-30
Packaged: 2019-09-30 10:26:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17222258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arsenicandsunshine/pseuds/arsenicandsunshine
Summary: Sometimes things are sweet and fluffy between the Doctor and Rose. But saying those three little words….well. That's something the Doctor empathizes with humans about. All this love, all these competing emotions coursing through his veins. And he just can't get those words past his teeth.





	Love and Saying It

He had a spouse, once. Several lifetimes before he was here, hanging in an abyss wearing an orange spacesuit and considering letting go of his safety line. It had been a long moment since he had thought about that. And they even got to the old age married age were he was running around with the grandkids and she (or he, depending on the regeneration) was chiding him for it. 

And now. Now he's in love again. And he wants to tell her. He's kissed her, he's hugged her, he's shown her. She knows, he tells himself. He just can't force the actual words out of his mouth. 

Hanging here, in the pitch black. Dangling like a spider on a thread. And the little voice at the back of his head, the tingle in his neck telling him to fall. It might just be thirty feet down. It might well be five feet down. Dangling under his feet. The alterative to sitting here and dying slowly of oxygen deprivation. 

Here, stuck in this old, janky spacesuit, separated and potentially on his own. Period. He could end up dying here, this could be the end of his story. And the only thing he'd would really regret is leaving Rose. Especially this far from home, all on her own. She needs to know. 

"And if you talk to Rose, tell her..."

His mouth is open, he's drawing in air. He just can't force the words out. 

"Oh she knows…" he whispered out, so breathy that the comms probably didn't pick it up. 

If he lets go, he might survive the fall and get all the answers. Jump into the abyss, it'll be fine. Or it won't. And well…. That might just be fine too. 

What he can't do is sit here and die like any other being in the universe. Like the smoldering ashes and billowing flames of another planet. He blocks out the memories, holding back the tsunami that threatened to overwhelm him the way it always did. But a single grain of sand shakily stood its ground. 

It was a depth and breadth of pain that no one was supposed to feel. 

He let go. Tumbling through the darkness. She knew. At least, that was what he was going to say to himself until the end. She had made him okay, she'd be okay too. 

And then he wakes up in the remnants of his helmet's shattered facemask. Not dead. Breathing air. That was odd. 

There were other odd things. Like the giant creature that looked like it was the inspiration behind the word "devil" for every culture that had the concept. It was a clever creature. Very clever. But not as clever as him. Because it hadn't planned for something that honestly, even he couldn't have planned for. Couldn't have planned for the Doctor to have more faith in someone else than he had in himself. 

So he breaks the vase. Because if he believes in just one thing in this existance, it's her. Rose he believes in. She'll be ok. And him? 

Well. When you've had the experiences that he's had, being afraid to die just isn't in the equation anymore. At a certain point, your guilt dictates that you no longer get to be afraid of facing the same fate you've dealt out. 

And it turns out, that when you are not afraid to die--really, truly not afraid--it's awfully difficult to die. And he doesn't die this time either. 

He was stumbling away, going through the motions of trying not to die. And then a glimpse of blue and a thrill of hope. There she was. 

After that, the rest is simple. He's got one goal. And then Rose walks through the doors again, and he rushes to pull her into his arms. And no, he doesn't have any kind of romantic urge to blurt out those three words. But they'd be true if he did. Because he does. He really, really does, he thinks to himself as he tightens his arms around her and she buries her face in his shoulder. 

He shows her. And says all the other things. Talks around the thing in his own way. And that's enough, he tells himself. She knows. They go back to going on adventures. Running fast and getting into sticky situations. Nothing that he can't logic his way out of. Everything's back to normal. 

Not enough adventures later, they're facing down another devil together. This time made of metal and technology. And Daleks. He hadn't expected to see them again. Of course he whips up a plan, because he's brilliant. 

The only problem is said plan involves sending Rose to Pete's world. But honestly, that's for the best. Or so he tells himself. 

But of course, Rose isn't having it. There's no way in the Void or Hell that she's leaving him. She starts monologuing about him and about what he's done for her. And it breaks both of his hearts in two while knitting them back together in a way he didn't know was still possible. He steels himself and bottles up everything that he's never said. Shoving the thoughts down to the bottom, down with all the memories of flames and dying breaths, he makes the same decision he did the last time they ran into Daleks. Only this time she can't stare into the Time Vortex. 

But she's comes back. He's yelling at her, because he really doesn't know what else to do. She can't be here. She can't love him like that. She can't.

Everything that he's buried comes rushing back, threatening to take away his ability to think straight. He yells again after she tells him that she made that decision a long time ago. She's never leaving him. Yelling isn't what he wants to do, but honestly his grasp on anything is razor thin at this point. He's got a plan, just stick to that. 

He's got a plan. And Rose is by his side. Cyberman, Daleks, all of it, can go back to the hell it spawned out of. She's here, she chose him, and he's got a plan. 

And it's working beautifully. Until he sees that damn lever slip. He can't find the words to tell her to just keep her grasp on the bar. Leave the lever be. Don't do it Rose. But the only thing he yells is, "Hold on!" Both his hearts jam themselves into his throat as she insists she has to get it upright. He knows she's right. For the plan to work, she's right. She yanks the lever back into position and the computer says something he doesn't comprehend. Their eyes are locked. He can't keep the terror from seeping out of him. Time slows down, to give him a good, proper view of what's about to happen. He yells her name and tells her to hang on. The force pulls her towards the breach, until she's barely hanging on, horizontal to the floor. He yells and tries to reach out, his arm barely able to hang out into the space between them, the force from the breach sucking everything into it's wake. He yells one more time, everything he wants to say wrapped up in just telling her to hold on. He can see her fingers slipping on the handle. 

She's gone. Suddenly ripped away and being pulled towards the breach. He very nearly lets go of his own bar and follows her into the void. Hell wouldn't be hell with her there. Pete comes threw at the last second to pull her to safety. A black rush and she's gone. 

But the roar of the breach vanishes into itself, the silence ringing in his ears. His throat hurts. He slowly walks up to the wall, laying his head on the cool white surface, unable to feel anything. Empty. He feels empty. 

It's a second and he walks away. He doesn't know where he's going, but he can't stay here. Pete won't be able to bring her back. He knows that. The breach is gone, for good. 

Of course he doesn't sit there quiet. He can't. If he let himself just be, even for a moment, it would be the end of him. He has to run to keep the stuff tamped down enough to breath. 

He finds a single hole left. Power. He needs power. A lot of it. He's set the Tardis to orbit a star, burning up the energy of an entire supernova to just make this phone call. He knows that it won't let him come through, but it'll let him say goodbye. He knows that, but can't help the small prick of hope in his heart that maybe, just maybe, the universe will grant him a miracle. 

It doesn't. At least, not in the way that he wants. He keeps talking to her, his psyche screaming out for her. Just her name, over and over. Even if he had wanted to send a different message, he couldn't have. Until he does see her, his beautiful yellow and pink girl. She reaches out to touch him and he has to break the news, it's just a star-based video chat. She asks him to collapse both universes just to come through properly and he smiles. And he nearly does. Oh how his hearts ache. He's grinning on the outside, because he can see her. Wind whipping the blond hair into her eyes that are shining with tears. 

He resolves that he's never leaving this moment. The star will last forever and he's not leaving this beach, he's willed it and it will happen. Logically, he knows the star is burning up , the hole is shrinking, and he's running out of time. Two minutes. 

He tries to make light of it all, crack a joke. And then she says "and the baby." His world crashes down around him for the second time in recent memory. She laughs and say's it's her mum's. He believes her, and ignores the aches in his chest. 

He keeps talking. She's okay. He picks a meaning for what she's telling him. She's okay. Except she's crying. He nearly does. Holding it together by a thread, just so she's won't see him cry. It'll all be okay. Rose is okay. 

Oh his own? Yeah. There he can't lie to her. He doesn't want anyone else. 

"I--" 

Her voice breaks down and she sobs. 

And then she says it. 

"I love you." 

"Quite right, too," he nearly whispers, soft and gentle. 

He had this chance once before and he didn't take it. And that near miss of dying without making sure, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Rose knows was nearly overwhelming. So, painful as it might be, here it goes.

"And I supposed, if it's my last chance to say it." 

He holds her eyes, lost in the waves of emotion threatening to choke him. 

"Rose Tyler, I--"

Gone. He was staring at the Tardis again. The momentarily relief of the those words burned up with the star the instance the connection faded out, leaving him drifting in the cold, empty vacuum. 

There's tears running down his face that he doesn't remember crying, and he just stands there for a brief moment. Spinning through space. Alone.


End file.
